I’ve been doing it all wrong…

… no wonder I’m so frickin’ tired!

I’ve talked a lot about self awareness, even written a blog on the importance of self-awareness. And if you’ve been watching my Thirsty Thursday videos, you know that I have been reading a book called The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power by Vernon Howard, and it is really shifting my perspective on some things. Over the last couple of weeks, a huge shift for me has been becomingaware that I’ve had this awareness thing all jacked up.

As a student of personal growth (and an admitted overthinker and perfectionist), I have become quite masterful at analyzing myself. I can come up with a dozen possible hidden motivations behind everything I think, say or do. I can recognize fear, insecurity, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions or responses within myself. It’s almost TOO much awareness andI swear to God it gets exhausting.

The problem is I have been doing all of this with one main purpose in mind – to FIX myself. I must be AWARE of every possible negativity or unhealthy thought or pattern so that I can CORRECT it. It’s like,  “Oh I have this desire for others’ approval but that’s bad and I have to stop it,” or “I see I have a hard time being vulnerable in a relationship but that’s wrong and I need to change it.”

Yesterday I read an article by author Iyanla Vanzant in which she says: “On the emotional level, I had fallen into a pattern of terrorizing and brutalizing myself with my own thoughts. Before anyone else could, I would make myself wrong; before anyone else could, I would begin to doubt myself. I had trained myself to push up the mountain rather than take the lift. Things only counted if I suffered. For far too long I had been willing to be beaten up and beaten down and pop back up smiling.”

DAMN. That’s totally me. I can’t stand the thought of being caught off guard, of someone else confronting me with an unpleasantness about myself that I didn’t spot first. And I can take all my self-imposed struggles and write about them and call them “learning experiences” all neatly and cheerfully wrapped up with a bow. It’s bullshit!

Perhaps this is why I’ve been feeling a creeping sense of sadness lately. And perhaps why I found myself crumpled in a heap of tears the other day when I heard that old Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine, with the lyrics, “The best thing you’ve ever done for me was to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all,” and “The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” You see, I have this ideal vision of who I would like to be (or think Ishould be), and I’ve been allowing every bit of so-called self-awareness to remind me I am not there yet.

Enter Vernon Howard and his teaching on the practice of self-observation WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. What has been happening is that I mistakenly identify myself, my true self, with these unpleasant feelings, patterns or responses. Howard says you must simply “witness the passage of mental and emotional grief. Do not resist what you see. Do not identify with it, that is, do not take the painful feeling as being part of the essential you.” He says you have to stop trying not to be angry (or annoyed, or fearful or needy etc.), but instead just be that way and notice it without condemning yourself.

He adds, “Don’t work so hard at living your life, just let it be lived.” Sounds like a tall order.

If I were coaching myself, I would probably issue a challenge to go an entire week without trying to fix anything about me. (The thought of that sends shivers up my spine. I honestly don’t know if I can do it!) In my favor, Howard describes this practice as one that is challenging at first but produces amazing results. So I really want to try.  Besides, I’m just worn out from the old way.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

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The Surprising Truth about Midlife Crisis!

How do you know if you are having one, and why you might want to start!

Check out my latest Thirsty Thursday Video, reviewing Sue Shellenbarger’s book The Breaking Point. 

To see more episodes, please follow me on Facebook! Michelle Leath | Possibility Coach

Eureka!!! I’ve Discovered the Key to Happiness!

We all want to be happy, right? Happiness, peace, salvation… Whatever name you use, it’s this elusive thing that everybody is always trying to figure out the secret to. I’ve discovered that the key to happiness is really pretty simple. Drum roll, please……

All it takes is refusing to accept conditions. It’s about getting clear on how you want to be, how you want to show up, how you want to feel eventually, and then making the choice to be that right now. Deciding that there are no conditions that need to be met in order for you to be there. And then aligning your thoughts, words and actions with that decision.

Here are a couple examples of how I figured this out.

Example #1: Not long ago a friend said something that offended me. It triggered a bunch of my own stuff, threatened some of my core values, etc.… I found myself reacting very strongly in that familiar old “you hurt my feelings” mindset. My first impulse was to stew, play the victim, and then most likely to reach out to other people about it and rally allies for my cause. You know the drill – “Can you believe this person said that to me? What should I do about it?”

I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t wait until I have reached the point when this type of thing doesn’t bother me. When I can say ‘it has nothing to do with me’ and just let it roll.” Then, like a swift kick in the rump, I had the idea, “Duh! What if I get to decide when I’ve reached that point, and what if that point is now?” Someone who had reached “that point” wouldn’t need to discuss this with anyone; they probably wouldn’t give it much energy at all. They’d just chalk it up to that friend having a bad day and go on their happy way. I decided to give it a try. And I have to say, it worked.

Example #2: My ex had just gone public with a new relationship. We’re all in the same circle with school functions and sporting events, etc.  So I was faced with the question, where am I supposed to sit at these things now? Some would say that a certain amount of time needs to go by before everybody can all be friendly and comfortable in this situation. So I could of course sit far away from them and feel awkward and uncomfortable. But I knew that eventually I would love to have that Bruce & Demi dynamic with my ex and whomever else is in our lives. That’s my ultimate vision. So I decided to test my theory again. I allowed the possibility that there were no time conditions to achieving that goal, that I could choose to be like Bruce & Demi anytime I want, and I choose now. We now sit and cheer together at the kids sporting events, and you know what? I’m happy. (Still waiting for my Ashton Kutcher 🙂 )

We all have stuff that rattles us or threatens our peace of mind. So here’s my challenge to you – give it a try!

The next time something jeopardizes your happiness, whether it’s something someone else says or does, the end of a relationship, or the feeling that you never have enough time, follow these simple steps:

1. Ask yourself, “How do I eventually want to be in relation to this kind of upset?”
2. Become aware of the conditions you think need to be met, and remember that they aren’t necessary.
3. Practice using the thoughts, words and actions that someone who WAS there would use, RIGHT NOW – just pretend if you have to!

Heck, if you don’t like the results you can always go back to the old way.

One Year Later – Have I Kept My Promises to My Dad?

I’m visiting the big island of Hawaii this week with my family, observing the one-year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. While it still feels like a punch to the gut to recall where I was and what I was experiencing a year ago, when I think about how much has changed for me since then, I am nothing short of awestruck.

I was already in a pretty bad place before my Dad took the final turn in his battle with prostate cancer. My marriage was in ruins, and I had no idea how I would support myself on my own. Not to mention I had been unhappy in my marketing career for years, and there wasn’t much work available in that arena even if I wanted it. Over time, I had essentially lost touch with who I was, and I had no clue where to look to find it.

I talked a lot with my Dad about this before he died. He knew that I was at a crossroads in my life, and as always he was supportive and concerned. He was understanding about my thoughts on ending my marriage. He wanted me to be happy no matter what, and it seems that he had seen some of the signs of my discontent even before I was willing to admit them to myself.

It was actually a beautiful gift to be able to relate to my Dad on that level. I’d always had a good relationship with him, but in a way I envied the closer bond that he had with my brother over shared hobbies, trips and experiences. It wasn’t until I shared the experience of what’s probably best described as mid-life crisis with him that we really had the chance to connect more deeply. I’ll be eternally grateful for that.

My Dad also wanted me to have a sustainable career, which I’m sure in his mind looked like a steady, upwardly mobile position working for a reputable company. During the last few months of his life he called me almost daily with thoughts and ideas on the subject. It was the second-to-last thing he said to me in the hospice, one of his final two wishes for me.

So as the year mark approached, I started wondering. Have I delivered?

Since last April 4, I walked away from an unhealthy marriage and am now building a much better relationship with my ex than we ever had as a married couple. I discovered ways to heal from past hurts and take care of myself that used to seem unattainable to me. I’ve formed deeper bonds with my family, children and friends, as well as developed beautiful new friendships. I’ve begun talking openly about my 20-year struggle with food, body image and low self-esteem. This includes winning two video contests and traveling cross-country in December, prepared to speak about it on stage.

I found clarity on my purpose and what I want to do. I completed the Coaches Training Institute advanced training program and will begin certification soon. I’ve hired amazing mentors, and am now putting the finishing touches on my brand, message and some pretty bold and raw website copy (launch coming in April!).  Most of all, I’ve learned to push through fears that held me back for most of my life, I feel happier and more at peace than ever before, and I want to help other people do the same. I realized that I am a brave-ass motherf—er!

Now, I know how important it was to my Dad for me to find a fulfilling career, so the day I graduated from CTI I knew he would be proud of me, even if it doesn’t involve a suit and a corner office. But also during the final conversation I had with him, he said to me with tears in his eyes, “I want you to find someone who loves you… someone who really knows how to love you.” I promised him that I would.

So when I first set out to write this post I expected to say “one down, one to go.” But then it dawned on me that the things we wish for don’t always come in the package we expect them to. And I realized that I have actually delivered on both of my Dad’s wishes. Because for the first time in ages – perhaps even in my life – that “someone” is ME.

This post dedicated with love to Colin Julian Rupert Pallemaerts • 1929-2010

When Is It OK To Show Your Panties?

Can Confidence and Vulnerability Co-Exist? 

I recently had an interesting discussion with a girlfriend about when it’s appropriate to show vulnerability, particularly in the context of male-female relationships. As women we are taught to play hard to get, don’t be needy, confidence is attractive, men love a chase, yadda yadda.

Now, I’m totally down with the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach in certain situations. After all, that’s how I’ve been able to do things like meet Rob Thomas (multiple times) and walk on to an Adam Sandler movie set. I’ve probably landed a couple of jobs that way, too. Act confident, act like you belong, and make stuff happen.

In relationships, though, I’m not sure I buy into that. Because here’s the problem: There’s a saying that “the consciousness that obtains sustains.” What this means is that if you acquire something through false pretenses, you have to maintain those false pretenses to keep it. For example, pretending you love all the same hobbies as your partner so they’ll like you might work initially, but how many baseball card shows do you really want to get dragged to?

In my coach training program we were often asked to bring personal challenges to the table for coaching in front of the group. When my classmates were willing to get up there and be vulnerable, that’s when I developed the most respect and admiration for them. I find that when someone is brave enough to admit that they don’t always have it all figured out, that they too have worries and insecurities, it takes the pressure off the rest of us to be so darn perfect.

Vulnerability is often misconstrued as “neediness” or “weakness”, but they are very different concepts. You can show vulnerability without being weak or needy. It’s simply a matter of shining some light on something that’s present, which in my experience is usually enough to release it. It’s just saying, “Hey, this what I’m experiencing right now, I want to honor that for the benefit of being authentic in this relationship. I’m cool with that and hopefully you are too.” It’s about being real. It gets stuff out of the way.

Neediness is being unwilling to express your true feelings and desires, expecting the other person to be able to guess them, and then becoming frustrated because they can’t. Or on the flip side, voicing every doubt or insecurity that crosses your mind, which would become tiresome for anyone. Ultimately the responsibility for our emotional state is nobody’s but our own.

I’ll even go as far as to say that it actually requires confidence to express vulnerability. In order to go there you have to be pretty comfortable with the fact that the other person might call you a lunatic and run for the hills. But if there’s any potential for a relationship to deepen in a sustainable way, you have to do that from the get go. If not confidence, at the very least it’s courage – which is equally admirable in my book – and it sure ain’t weakness. Plus, when someone shares vulnerability with me, I’m flattered by the trust.

In my Making Fear My Bitch post, I talked about how being authentic and sharing your true self with people we care about can be one of the scariest things we do, because there’s always the risk that they might not be able to meet us there. Suzanne Evans refers to it as “showing your panties”, and I guess I’ve always been a bit of an exhibitionist. You see, I personally find authenticity to be the doorway to developing the most meaningful connections with people, which to me is one of life’s nicest gifts.

So, regardless of the rules, I’m willing to take one for the team.

 

Who’s Driving this Bus?

I’ve never really thought of myself as “driven” so to speak. Flaky, irresponsible, unmotivated and the bad rebellious kid were some of the labels I was carrying around. At best it was always more like bopping around looking for the next fun experience, trying to find fulfillment. Sure, in my sales days I was motivated to work hard by the lure of a bigger paycheck, but even that was just a means to an end to apply toward the next fun experience. So when a new friend commented the other day that I seem driven, and inquired what drives me, I had to take pause.

What exactly is “driven”?  The definition according to dictionary.com is being under compulsion, as to succeed or excel: to strive vigorously toward a goal or objective; to work, play, or try wholeheartedly and with determination.

I suppose I’ve always associated “driven” with traditional pathways to success, climbing the corporate ladder, etc. But as I read that definition today, I can see the limitations in that type of thinking.

Not long ago I decided to release those false labels by which I’d been defining myself.  I decided that perhaps it was possible that those labels weren’t true. And without those labels taking up space, some other cool stuff came into my life. I found something I like to do. And I remembered that when I really care about something, I’ll work my freakin’ ass off.

So what drives me? It’s probably that for the first time in my life I KNOW what I’m meant to be doing. That’s not to say that I have all the hows and details worked out, or even that I’ll do exactly the same thing forever. But I know that I am going in the right direction for me. Sometimes I’m scared to death about my next move but I keep going. It’s as if I don’t have a choice.

I guess the drive behind the drive is a desire for authentic connection with other people, an urgency to share and teach about what I’m learning about life, to help other people see things differently that they may also find deeper meaning. I want to help people connect with their possibilities and power. And do I want to be able to support myself and my family, and enjoy a rich, fulfilling life as well? Hell yes! And I know it’s possible because I’ve witnessed it.

There’s a saying that pain pushes until vision pulls. And the best way I can describe what drives me now is a pull. It sounds woo woo, I know. There’s some strange universal energy pulling me forward, like a freaky Field of Dreams “If you build it, they will come” sort of thing.

But when an opportunity in alignment with that pull presents itself I can’t HELP but say yes. Audition for speaking competition? Yes! Go through coaching program without delay? Yes! Get ready to bare your soul to the world with really raw website copy? Yes (well, maybe).

Just yesterday my own coach had me find a heavy piece of furniture in my house to push across the floor to symbolize a commitment I had made to push through some fears that had come up. Leave it to me to seek out the heaviest, most stubborn thing I could find. I think I pulled a hammy.

Holy shit, I am driven! When did that happen?

New Girl in a New Town

It’s no secret that I’ve had a bumpy ride lately. A lot of change, ups and downs, periods of growth and retreat… transformation is never smooth. And often during those darker hued days, the days when everything just seems hopeless and too much to bear, I notice the desire to pick up and go. To go somewhere new and start over. Reinvent myself in a new environment. This is probably a version of that familiar old fight or flight response, weighted heavily toward flight when I am just too tired to fight anymore. I wish I could just go somewhere else and start over. But how can I do that when I have responsibilities here, children thriving in school, and let’s face it, I don’t have a money tree in the back yard at the moment? I think I’ve figured out a way.

One of the skills I am learning in coaching school is about changing perspectives. Being willing to look at things from a different viewpoint. In fact the course I completed in January was all about that. I know that we create our own reality, I’m no stranger to the concept that in order to change your life you must change your mind.

So here’s my solution: Beginners mind. As of today I am new in town. And what would I do if I moved to a new town? I can do all of that right here, right now.

There are many new places to be explored. New people to meet. New experiences to discover and try. New routes to be taken. I may even tell people that I meet that I am new here. See what they have to offer. (Technically this is true because I am new, although I have been here a while). It’s so easy to stay in the bubble of daily existence and keep trying to recreate the same experiences over and over. I’ve been operating within one little slice of existence here, it’s time to taste the rest of the pie.

 

Emotional Cheat Day

I completed my 3^rd professional coach training workshop last weekend, and one of the things about these workshops – they bring up all your own shit.

Over the last year or so, I have been on what’s probably best described as a QUEST for personal growth and healing, which to me means finding the learning in every situation and making conscious choices around thoughts and behaviors that honor and serve me in the best possible way. Needless to say, this involves a certain amount of resistance to old thought patterns and old ways of being, and I have to admit – sometimes all that conscious choice gets exhausting!

So last weekend after a heavy Day 2, I was in a funk. And before I knew it I was indulging in gratuitous thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that I had successfully resisted for months. I found myself asking gossipy questions, wondering if and who my ex is dating, snooping around Facebook checking out the ghosts of boyfriends past, comparing myself to other people, dwelling on the past… you know – your classic, garden-variety pity party. And all along I had this detached voice in my head saying, “Michelle, what the hell are you doing? What about all the work you’ve done?”

Earlier that day I had been out to lunch with classmates, a couple of whom were discussing a diet they are on that allows a “Cheat Day”, which is essentially one day a week that they can eat whatever they want. From my understanding, the point of the cheat day is to reduce feelings of deprivation and prevent you from going overboard later on. And as I reflected on that conversation it occurred to me that what I was doing was an emotional variation on the cheat day! I was giving in to those ego drives to judge and compare and do all the stuff I’ve been learning is not healthy for me. Which leads me to ask, what exactly is “healthy” anyway?

The diet cheat day gives the dieter the opportunity to experience the flavor and texture of a variety of foods, so they can still have a full, satisfying and healthy experience as they work toward their goals. Nothing is “forbidden.” So wouldn’t it also make sense that a healthy well-rounded life involves allowing yourself to experience the richness of a variety of thoughts and emotions? Wayne Dyer writes, “Rather than making something a bad or a good experience, I find myself being in the ‘is-ness’ of the moment.” He suggests that by staying out of your good-thought/bad-thought routine, the more you are able to just be with it. In those moments, you don’t need an excuse or explanation, just observe and let yourself be.

Therein lies the beauty of the cheat day. If you don’t judge the food (or the thoughts, feelings, etc.), but instead just observe what it tastes like and feels like, eventually you will discover your preferences. Because it’s a funny thing – if you’ve ever given up sugar for a while you might have noticed that a piece of candy then tastes much too sweet. And by the same token, by granting myself permission to give into the temptations of old, needy thought patterns, I found they had become a lot less palatable. Damn it… looks like I achieved more personal growth anyway!

Why I’m Giving Up on Christmas

(And why it might benefit you to join me.)

If you clicked through you may be bracing yourself for a “woe is me” story about disappointment and loss. But I wouldn’t do that to you on Christmas! What I want to share with you is simply that for me, this Christmas is not so much about giving – but about giving up.

As I look back over the last year, giving up has certainly been a dominant theme.

For example, as some of you know, I gave up expecting my spouse to be someone he’s not, and I gave up trying to be someone I’m not. In doing so I also had to give up on the imagined ideal life I had been striving so hard to force into being. And I had to give up on always trying to make things look perfect on the surface. Nothing is ever as it seems.

Giving up is not easy, but there can be tremendous freedom in it. With each thing I released, I created space in my life for something new and wonderful to enter. Although my husband and I are going in different directions now, even our kids have remarked that we seem happier. By giving up on trying to fill myself up with external things, I realized that I already have everything I need within me. By letting go of blame and anger toward others (and myself) for the circumstances of my life, I recognized the power of making choices that are right for me. By giving up on expecting other people to take care of me emotionally, I discovered an internal strength and comfort I never knew was there. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

So this year, as Christmas approached, I was thinking about what I might ask for (and since in my house I do most of the Christmas shopping, that led me to ask what I might give to myself). And I realized that perfect gift was to give something else up. As I get ready to launch my coaching business, I’ve been dealing with some limiting beliefs around fear of failure or rejection. In the past I have let these fears hold me back and sabotage my success. But no more. There is too much I want to accomplish in 2011, too many people I want to help, and big plans and visions I want to bring into being.

So my Christmas gift to myself this year is giving up those limiting beliefs, giving up doubting my value, and trusting in the gifts I already possess… the ones that I was born with.

It is said that giving is the same as receiving, and I’ve come to believe that the same is true for giving up. Had I not let go of so much in the last year, I know I would not be blessed with so much gratitude and joy this Christmas.

Is there something you might like to give up this Christmas to free you up for great things in 2011?

The Day Self-Confidence Skipped Town

I just returned last night from an intensive 3-day weekend of coach training. And it was a great experience. I learned a lot and made many new friends… so why the heck was I fighting back tears almost the entire time?

On the way there I had a 3-hour drive to ponder what was ahead and to try to figure out who I wanted to show up as. I’ve done a lot of work in the last year to practice greater self-love and acceptance, to celebrate and be present in who I am, and to be courageous and strong. And I really wanted to show up in that.

Most of the time I feel happy, grateful and confident in my daily life, more so than I have in years. But it’s easy to be a big fish in a small pond – as most of my time these days is spent alone working, journaling, exercising, or having the occasional chat with other parents at soccer games! However, when it came time to venture into the unknown, and to try to create a place for myself in a group of interesting strangers, all that newfound self-assuredness went out the window and insecurity came rushing in to take its place. Note to self: that is NOT cool!

As I think it over I’m getting the sense that this weekend was about more for me than learning coaching skills. It was about stepping out into the world, into a new career and a new community, totally clueless, exposed and vulnerable. For one thing that’s not a place I’m super comfortable with. But it was also my first new endeavor as a single person. There is no ring on my finger, no symbol that somebody “picked me” and therefore proof of my value. It sounds silly, I know, but part of the way I’ve identified myself for the last 16+ years is gone. It’s just me now, and I’m still not sure how to be with that.

Apparently I was more transparent than I thought, because during an exercise in which our classmates assigned us an archetype to represent parts of ourselves we weren’t showing, and that we might need to bring forth in order to be great coaches, they gave me the moniker “Bull (on Xanax) in a China Shop.” In other words it may serve me to tap into more conviction and serenity, to relax into myself a little and be willing to make mistakes. Bingo. That resonated with me so much in terms of how I was feeling all weekend that much to my chagrin I started crying during one of the practice coaching sessions. (Damn it, that really shattered the illusion!)

I guess in the end who showed up this weekend was Me. Not the ideal, confident, has-it-all-figured-out, totally-fine-on-her-own woman I wanted to seem like. But the Me who simply is right now. The Me who is learning a whole new way of being and is still a little unsteady on her feet, who doesn’t always have it all together, and who quite honestly has been a little lonely for human connection and a sense of belonging. In essence I did spend the weekend stumbling around like a bull in a china shop internally. I’m grateful to my new friends for bringing it into my awareness. And, yes, I failed this time at feeling as confident as I wanted to feel. But the learning (the Xanax part) is to be gentle with myself about it, shrug it off, and go knock some more stuff over.