The Blog has Moved!
August 16, 2011
Hello friends and followers!
Just wanted to let you know that The Power of Possible has migrated to my new website, www.unlockyourpossibility.com. You can find all of the latest posts there. Here’s a quick link so you can bookmark the page.
Another great way to keep up with me, and to receive more tips and inspiration for unlocking your possibilities in between blog posts, is to go to Facebook and “Like” my page.
See you there!
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I’ve been doing it all wrong…
July 19, 2011
… no wonder I’m so frickin’ tired!
I’ve talked a lot about self awareness, even written a blog on the importance of self-awareness. And if you’ve been watching my Thirsty Thursday videos, you know that I have been reading a book called The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power by Vernon Howard, and it is really shifting my perspective on some things. Over the last couple of weeks, a huge shift for me has been becomingaware that I’ve had this awareness thing all jacked up.
As a student of personal growth (and an admitted overthinker and perfectionist), I have become quite masterful at analyzing myself. I can come up with a dozen possible hidden motivations behind everything I think, say or do. I can recognize fear, insecurity, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions or responses within myself. It’s almost TOO much awareness andI swear to God it gets exhausting.
The problem is I have been doing all of this with one main purpose in mind – to FIX myself. I must be AWARE of every possible negativity or unhealthy thought or pattern so that I can CORRECT it. It’s like, “Oh I have this desire for others’ approval but that’s bad and I have to stop it,” or “I see I have a hard time being vulnerable in a relationship but that’s wrong and I need to change it.”
Yesterday I read an article by author Iyanla Vanzant in which she says: “On the emotional level, I had fallen into a pattern of terrorizing and brutalizing myself with my own thoughts. Before anyone else could, I would make myself wrong; before anyone else could, I would begin to doubt myself. I had trained myself to push up the mountain rather than take the lift. Things only counted if I suffered. For far too long I had been willing to be beaten up and beaten down and pop back up smiling.”
DAMN. That’s totally me. I can’t stand the thought of being caught off guard, of someone else confronting me with an unpleasantness about myself that I didn’t spot first. And I can take all my self-imposed struggles and write about them and call them “learning experiences” all neatly and cheerfully wrapped up with a bow. It’s bullshit!
Perhaps this is why I’ve been feeling a creeping sense of sadness lately. And perhaps why I found myself crumpled in a heap of tears the other day when I heard that old Indigo Girls song Closer to Fine, with the lyrics, “The best thing you’ve ever done for me was to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all,” and “The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.” You see, I have this ideal vision of who I would like to be (or think Ishould be), and I’ve been allowing every bit of so-called self-awareness to remind me I am not there yet.
Enter Vernon Howard and his teaching on the practice of self-observation WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. What has been happening is that I mistakenly identify myself, my true self, with these unpleasant feelings, patterns or responses. Howard says you must simply “witness the passage of mental and emotional grief. Do not resist what you see. Do not identify with it, that is, do not take the painful feeling as being part of the essential you.” He says you have to stop trying not to be angry (or annoyed, or fearful or needy etc.), but instead just be that way and notice it without condemning yourself.
He adds, “Don’t work so hard at living your life, just let it be lived.” Sounds like a tall order.
If I were coaching myself, I would probably issue a challenge to go an entire week without trying to fix anything about me. (The thought of that sends shivers up my spine. I honestly don’t know if I can do it!) In my favor, Howard describes this practice as one that is challenging at first but produces amazing results. So I really want to try. Besides, I’m just worn out from the old way.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
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Wanderlust or Wander-lost?
July 11, 2011
You might have noticed I take a lot of trips. Not fancy travel (although I do enjoy that too), but frequent weekend getaways. I joke with my friends that I’m “on tour”, and I’ve come to feel that I need these trips. If I don’t have one for a few weeks I get antsy.
Sometimes I feel guilty about it. Why am I always taking off when everyone else is content to stay home with their families? What must people think of me? Am I running away from something? Avoiding my responsibilities? Perhaps, but here’s why I don’t care…
I just love the feeling I have during and after a trip. It’s a sense of being totally expanded and opened up to new ideas, possibilities, people, and lifestyles.
Lately I’ve become increasingly aware of the contrast between being “expanded” and “contracted.” It’s a difference I can feel physically. It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the trivialities of my day-to-day routine, the little concerns and worries and self-analysis that cause me to contract. My focus narrows, it’s as if I can’t see anything outside of my thoughts and mind-chatter. It’s almost like that feeling you get right before you faint, as if the walls are closing in, your peripheral vision is shrinking.
I had a great demonstration of this contrast a few weeks ago. I was out for a walk, and I was in this contracted state, totally consumed by the perceived dilemma or analysis du jour. I was all in a dither, and I recall asking for help from my “higher power” so to speak. “Show me what I am supposed to do,” I pleaded. Within a few minutes, I came face to face on the trail with a woman I know, someone I hadn’t seen in a while, and stopped to say hello. Very quickly into our conversation she shared that she had recently suffered a painful personal loss. I was stunned, and I offered her my heartfelt condolences, kindness and support.
As I walked away it dawned on me that my “prayer” had been answered. My focus had shifted completely away from myself and onto what I could do for another, how I could connect with and support someone else, what words she needed to hear. I had stepped outside of myself. I had expanded. It’s the same feeling when I am working with a client, and quite frankly it’s a f—ing relief from being stuck in my own mind!
So what does this have to do with my travels? In a way stepping outside of my physical environment also helps me to expand. And it certainly helps me to step outside of my mental environment. I get that physical sensation of expansion in my body, having met someone new, getting a glimpse into their life, being exposed to a different place or idea.
And there’s something so invigorating about setting out on a little adventure, leaving behind my labels (mother, housekeeper, ex-wife, entrepreneur, etc.). I get to just be me, and I feel like a sponge ready to soak up new possibilities. I collect them like seashells and bring them home as my little souvenirs. I like to integrate them into my life, whether it’s a new recipe, or an anecdote someone shared with me, or the inspiration that comes from having seen something extraordinary. It helps me to see what I want to create for myself.
I read a great line the other day which said, “Not all who wander are lost.” True, my personal home life has been through some changes, and that is a bit painful. There may come a day when I get the same fulfillment from hunkering down at home that I do from wandering. And hopefully, no matter what happens, I’ll master the art of maintaining that expansive feeling in any environment.
But for now this is what I need, and so the tour stops will continue.
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New Thirsty Thursday Video!
June 16, 2011
No book review today, just a girl, a glass of wine and perhaps the most important key to unlocking your possibility!
Today’s [Thirsty Thursday] Video Book Review
June 9, 2011
There’s a very common problem many of us have but aren’t aware of. It’s revealed in this video book review, don’t miss!
Old Habits Die Hard
June 9, 2011
The embarrassing addiction that came back to haunt me.
I have a confession to make. I can be just a little nuts about looking for answers, and about wanting to predict the future. I found out the sexes of both of my kids when I was pregnant. I have a history of worrying obsessively about a future event (real or imagined) and trying to rehearse all possible conversations, outcomes etc. I’ll go on a first date and go straight to imagining us married (remember when you used to write your junior high crush’s last name with your first name all over your PeeChee folder?)
And I used to be addicted to horoscopes. I couldn’t make a decision without consulting my horoscope. I’d read every magazine astrology column I could find while in line at the grocery store.
I want to know what to expect. It comes from a deep-rooted fear of being blindsided, of not being able handle whatever comes up in life. But I had given that up a while back, deciding instead to trust myself and to demonstrate to the Universe that I could pilot my own life. Or so I thought.
Over the last month or so I have found myself back on the astrology sites, looking for answers, looking for someone/something to tell me what’s going to happen. And it feels shitty. It feels like some kind of weird emotional free fall where I am reaching out to grasp whatever rock or outcropping I can reach on the way down.
So what gives???
It’s fitting that my Thirsty Thursday video this week is on Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap and his concept of the Upper Limit Problem. Because this is a classic case of my own upper limit problem at work.
I just launched my website, which could certainly be cause for celebration, although I have a hard time allowing myself to relish in that.
But there’s also something deeper at work. It’s Go-time. No more hiding behind the computer working on the site. It’s time to get out there – I AM out there – and I’m terrified that it’s not enough. I suddenly don’t trust myself. I’m manufacturing personal dramas to distract me from that feeling, and to distract me from doing the work. I’m worrying about situations like relationships and finances and divorce negotiations that were exactly the same a few weeks ago but that I’ve simply decided to focus all my attention on now and make them into a problem. And it led me right back to that place of looking desperately for answers.
Where’s the trust?
There’s a saying, “Leap (or in my case, free fall off an emotional cliff) and the net will appear.” Thankfully, now that I’ve experienced living in a place of trust, I can feel the difference so acutely that this fearfulness is unbearable. And with the help of some great support from from my own coach, I’ve been able to find the net. This fearful person not who I really am, and I don’t need a horoscope to tell me that.
The reason a movie is never as good as the book is because you already know the ending. When you are reading a story for the first time, you don’t worry about turning the page because you’re afraid you wont be able to handle what comes next. You relish in seeing how the story unfolds. That’s the way life should be, and I needed to remember that it’s the way I choose my life to be.
So, if you see me at the grocery store line with Marie Claire turned to the astrology page, kindly rip that shit out of my hand!
The Surprising Truth about Midlife Crisis!
June 2, 2011
How do you know if you are having one, and why you might want to start!
Check out my latest Thirsty Thursday Video, reviewing Sue Shellenbarger’s book The Breaking Point.
To see more episodes, please follow me on Facebook! Michelle Leath | Possibility Coach
Inside a Deeply Personal Conversation
May 31, 2011
I’m about to let you in on a very personal discussion. You may wonder why I am sharing this. The reason is twofold: 1) I’ve learned from several mentors whom I greatly admire, that every experience we have been given in this life is a gift that we can use to help other people, especially the difficult experiences; and 2) I just finished a book that said, “When an idea pops into our head and we think, ‘No, this is just too crazy,’ …that’s the idea we want.” That’s the idea that will make difference.
And even if it’s just for one person, that’s good enough for me.
Hence, I was inspired – no, I was compelled – to share this discussion that I participated in recently an online forum for coaches, on a topic that is very close to my heart. It sparked a dialogue that I believe would be valuable for anyone else out there dealing with eating or addiction issues personally or with someone that they love… friends, daughters, sisters, even men. If you can think of anyone who might find value in what’s here, please feel free to pass it on. (The discussion is paraphrased and I have omitted all names for confidentiality.)
It started with an initial post by a coach who was looking for advice in working with a client dealing with an eating addiction.
Here’s the comment from another coach that prompted me to chime in:
I had at least three clients spontaneously recover from very serious eating disorders last year. The issue was never food, at least not for my clients. We didn’t even talk about food/diet/etc.
It’s really about worthiness, safety, and love.
Also, the disorder serves a valuable purpose in their lives or it wouldn’t exist. Don’t try to get rid of an eating disorder without finding out what positive purpose it serves, first. When you find, recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate the benefit of the disease, you can find a more constructive way to satisfy the need without the negative consequences.
ME: I too spontaneously recovered from a 20-year intermittent struggle with bulimia. I found that as soon as I stopped focusing on the behavior itself, and found a mirror for my true authentic self, the habits around bulimia became less and less appealing. What you resist persists, and I spent 20 years waging a war against a habit, which only kept it attached to me. What was needed for me was partly surrender/acceptance of the habit itself rather than resistance, and turning my attention toward reconnecting with the parts of myself I loved, the parts of me that were strong, and empowered and self-loving and that I was in touch with back before I developed the eating disorder.
I also became a coach following this experience because coaching was so instrumental for me in my transformation. And you know what? My coach and I almost NEVER talked about my eating behavior. We focused on what I really wanted for my life and helping me get through the fears around taking action on my own behalf.
Response #1
Michelle – you’ve perfectly described the power of coaching, not just for something like an eating disorder, but for anything that shows up in life.
Whatever shows up is tapping us on the shoulder, getting our attention. It’s a gift, whether it’s ADD, broken relationships, disordered eating, or anxiety.
It’s not something to fight, but something to follow with curiosity.
You reminded me why I love this profession so much. It’s huge and holistic and embraces all of us. It helps us “connect our dots” because it focuses so clearly on who we are being instead of problems, stories or issues.
Thanks for the reminder!
Response #2
Michelle,
As a parent and coach helping the families of people with eating disorders it is so helpful to hear what helped move you toward recovery! This is what I have heard from others as well.
Do you have any tips as to how you reconnected with the parts of yourself you loved?
Thanks for giving all parents/carers hope!
ME: I’ve been thinking a lot about how to describe exactly how I made the shift. The best way I can explain it is that I simply decided there was nothing wrong with me. I recall at one point surrendering to the habit, telling myself, “well I guess I am just going to be a bulimic forever.” It wasn’t what I WANTED, but I didn’t see any other possibility after years of recurring struggle.
Then, very soon after that, in the amazing way the universe works, I was reacquainted with an old friend who had known me before the bulimia, at a time in my life when I knew who I was. It knocked me right back to my true self, and the disordered eating habit was something that just didn’t fit with that anymore. It was truly a miracle.
While it’s not possible for everyone to go out and track down a long lost friend, I think that’s what we can offer people as coaches. To be that mirror of their higher, truer self. To break through the labels, and habits, and struggles to the true essence of the person and reflect to them their greatness, their value, their possibilities. To accept them unconditionally, focus on what matters to them, help them regain their power and essence outside of the habit or “disorder”, whatever it may be.
When you label yourself as an addict, or anorexic/bulimic, fat, compulsive, neurotic or whatever label you use, it robs you of your possibilities. It’s our job as coaches to help people get them back.
On the practical side, I did a lot of journaling and some specific exercises geared around getting to know myself, rewriting the lies of my past, and reconstructing the labels I had been using to define myself. I started with some simple personality profiles (MBTI, Enneagram) and as I read some of the descriptions of personality traits that resonated with me, I remember thinking, “Hey, that’s a pretty cool quality! I’d like to be friends with someone like that!” I also found some great insights in several books, specifically Wayne Dyer’s Erroneous Zones (an oldie but goodie), and Truth, Triumph & Transformation by Sandra Anne Taylor.
Response #4
Wow Michelle!
“The best way I can explain it is that I simply decided there was nothing wrong with me.”
This statement is really so powerful and so transformational. Thinking of the recent post on “wholeness” your statement really speaks to recapturing wholeness- the one who there is nothing “wrong with”. So much of our work is about this. Re-connecting with our wholeness and letting go of the lies, the illusions, the limiting beliefs that stand in the way of (our) truth.
Distinguishing what is out of integrity for us or what is out of balance can really be useful, but somehow we objectify ourselves and others with these labels and can create limits and distorted thinking and relating.
[To be a mirror for clients of their higher self]: this is the greatest gift and really the possibility for people on this planet.
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Thanks for allowing me to share!
xo
Michelle
The Power of Possible 